Month: July 2011

Sexy summer story contest
Isaac Hanson
4 Jul 2011

Probation

Based on an actual article in the Star Tribune

Probation, the judge said. Probation! Like I’m some freakwad sex offender who rapes cats or something! He said I made mistakes that night but that jail time would only disrupt my atonement, he didn’t want me to be out of school during finals, a probation officer would check in on me, blah blah blah. I only remember what he said because my celly wouldn’t get any bars in the courtroom, so no Facebook there…

The whole thing was messed up anyways. On that night, Ashton called me at like eight, saying she had found another guy on AdultFriendFinder and he had a bunch of pot. Well, it’s a long drive from Coon Rapids to Mahtomedi, so of course we were taking some cherry vodka shots on the way. And Ashton had a couple of Four Loko’s going around and the Denali has cruise control, so it’s cool. Anyway we meet the guy, his name is Jayden, he is 25 and lives in a detached garage next to his mom’s house with a sweet setup. He is hott and said he would smoke us up. Never mind the dude asleep on the couch the whole time and the jealous-looking bitch with the Bump-it who keeps eyeballing me and Ashton. She is old, at least, like, thirty.

Anyways we smoke, we drink some Franzia, and some kid in cargo pants who looks eleven years old shows up with his girlfriend and they start getting it on in the room next to us. The walls are plaster so we hear everything. I guess the kid pays Jayden to have a place to take girls.

Anyways me and Jayden and Ashton are making out, nothing more, as we agreed on AdultFriendFinder. It’s obvious he likes me better and Ashton knows it, and so does that old granny with the Bump-it, who is still eyeballing me. I wanna jump his bones, now. At some point I fall asleep and they do something to me, I don’t know what, but I know they did something, probably in collusion with Bump-it. When I wake up I am pissed and I find out that those two just had sex in the other room, so I storm outside, rev up the Denali, and run over all the stupid crap Jayden has in his yard – mini-pool, koi pond, and a dumb angel sculpture. It was all from Menards and only cost me like $200 to replace. Then I mess up his grass some more and then I try to scare Ashton with the Denali (I didn’t mean to hit her!).

Anyways, now I have that creep probation officer to check in with, classes with the Coon Rapids sheriff on dangerous alcohol and sexual practices, and Jayden has to register as a sex offender since he got it on with a sixteen year-old. Ashton and I are friends again but we decided we are NEVER going on AFF again.

Journal
4 Jul 2011

We buried Nate last Wednesday. I and everyone else at the ceremony had an inclination to act somber throughout the affair, to think of it as a significant event. But I have undergone a transformation just as Hans Castorp did, in which I came to recognize death for what it is: a shabby pretender, an outcome of disease, a natural phenomenon, and sometimes it is a joke. Sometimes it is only a final stage, a completely foreseeable progression of a life poorly lived, and as such, not due any particular reverence or expressions of piety or extravagant airs of profundity.

In Nate’s case, death was only the somewhat tardy outcome of the many binary choices he made that favored it over the other outcome, life. He predicted his death several years ago and did little to prevent it, and when it came – no – happened, he probably died in a pool of urine, with bottles of pills and alcohol by his side.

The actual sad part was the bereavement of Grandma and of Nate’s friend Sandy, and a couple of male friends of Nate. They had cared for Nate and not sought much in return. They had given, without pulling back when it became obvious it would end badly and they would get nothing for it. That is the sad part of the story. But the death itself is not something I ought to feel any pangs of awe over.