I said goodbye to a special person recently. Ryan died young of neurofibromatosis, which he had since childhood. Surgeries and other treatments kept it under control for more than 30 years, until the benign tumors that characterize the disease became too numerous and impinged on too-crucial central nervous system structures for him to survive. In fact toward the end he was without hearing, but he used the sign language he had learned in college to communicate, and joke around quite a bit, with family and with his hospice nurse.
The service was fantastic: it was in a new stone building with lots of natural light and it was a bright day. The night had left a coating of snow that melted and exposed the cemetery grass as the service proceeded. Ryan’s uncle and cousins performed Dylan songs. There were good snacks and coffee and photos and watercolor art from Ryan’s dad. There were no arid religious hymns to chant, no mummery. It was about friends and family assembling in joy and remembrance over a maimed loved one. The focus was on him, not on gods and crossings and spirit worlds.
Everything I learned about Ryan’s condition I learned from others. I never heard him speak a self-pitying word. He always engaged in friendly conversation despite his stutter, and he zeroed in on my own interests and recommended movies and books I wouldn’t have discovered otherwise. I never had any interest in Dylan before meeting Ryan but came to appreciate his music because of him.
Each speaker touched on Ryan’s passionate interests, demonstrating my own belief that one’s genuine joys and pursuits make a lasting impression on people. The grandmother was sad but when I spoke to her she expressed gladness and consolation over her other grandsons and over her large extended family. Some people there showed very lively expressions of grief, others were contained, but almost everyone cried as the words of remembrance reached an emotional peak.
I felt profound sympathy for Ryan, then sadness, and finally a sense of fellowship as I looked around and recognized the full significance of all my friends being there with me to say goodbye and to support Ryan’s brother.
This service was on March 19th. In the intervening weeks I have ruminated over the exact sense and meaning of what I experienced in knowing Ryan, knowing he died, and then seeing him off. I came up with three things:
Firstly I will try to emulate Ryan’s blend of humor and fighting spirit if I ever must face a lethal and outrageously unfair medical condition like his.
Secondly I will not look away from the seemingly intolerable truths of our existence, nor will I euphemize when speaking and writing about them. Neither will I be flowery and maudlin for quick effect or false profundity.
Lastly I will exult in Dylan’s music, in friends and family, and in this glorious spring season that was not given Ryan to enjoy.
Included: Old Cedar Ave Bridge area