Non-therapeutic genital cutting of infants and minors is morally wrong.
It’s wrong because it violates two fundamental human rights that apply to people of any age: the right to bodily autonomy and the right to bodily integrity. These rights belong to male, female and intersex children.
In the Reddit forum on foreskin restoration the typical post is from a male who is sharing progress or asking for advice on technique during their effort to regain a semblance of a functioning foreskin.
Today a user posted from a different perspective: that of a concerned and distressed girlfriend who was knowledgeable about natural, intact male anatomy and wanted to help her boyfriend address his potential sexual dysfunction due to an extremely “tight” circumcision forced on him as an infant:
She also posted because sex was painful, he could not last more than two minutes before orgasm, she felt sad and because, “I don’t like looking at it because it breaks my heart. I don’t like touching it because it’s so tight it once again breaks my heart and feels wrong.”
She also had a previous sex partner with an intact penis to compare him to. And with him, she knew “exactly how it’s supposed to look and work” and that sex was fun and comfortable.
As I read this post and the responses I shuddered at the horrific details and at the vast numbers of people affected by genital cutting. These people include those who were cut without their consent as well as their future partners.
The details also point to the haphazard nature of infant genital cutting. Because of the tiny size of the newborn penis, any cutting method employed will have a margin of error that is unacceptably wide for an unnecessary permanent surgery like circumcision. In addition the fact that most people who perform the cutting in the US are obstetricians (not plastic surgeons) or worse, a religious nincompoop, is another roll of the dice that the man must later deal with.
The user who posted is smart and compassionate and wants to help her boyfriend. I copied my highlights from this thread below:
The original Reddit post
“I love my boyfriend. We’ve been together for the better part of a decade. We want to get married.
There’s only one thing that’s wrong, and it is interfering with our sex life: he was circumcised as a baby and they took ALL his penile skin and he has tons of complications, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t realize it. That said, he is against circumcision and said he wouldn’t have it done to his son.
Let me explain: when he’s erect, the first half of his penis is scar tissue (red, shiny), and the second half is scrotum (hairy, you can see the perineal raph on his penis). He has to shave the underside of his penis, and I can feel the stubble when I go down on him. It also has a rough bump on it.
I guess it’s what you would call super “high and tight.” His erections pull his glans down, his testicles move to the side of his penis (the ballsack disappears into the penis), his penis can’t even get fully erect because there isn’t enough skin, so it bends to the side. I feel like if he were to restore, it would take a while just to “free” his penis from the tent-like tightness before he actually got any foreskin. The frenulum was amputated. The glans are super keratinized.
It’s so tight that there is zero gliding motion, and that hurts my vagina. It’s like being abraded. His penis is so sensitive, intercourse only lasts maybe a minute or two.
I don’t like looking at it because it breaks my heart. I don’t like touching it because it’s so tight it once again breaks my heart and feels wrong. I feel like I don’t know what to do with it because it’s broken, and I love him so much this causes immense guilt.
My first live-in partner was intact, so I know exactly how it’s supposed to look and work: it’s supposed to be straight, covered in baby-soft, hairless skin from the base to the tip, moist, shiny glans that only come out during arousal, a frenulum, a fun, gliding motion that makes sex comfortable. The scrotum isn’t supposed to incorporate into the erection. He masturbated in a way that looked like how nature intended a man to masturbate. We didn’t need lube.
I am so lost at what to do. I’ve considered getting therapy for my thoughts about his circumcision. I feel like if I tell him, he’ll think I don’t like his penis. I’m afraid he’ll be irreparably hurt.
At one point years ago, he told me he thought about getting that oxballs brand silicone mock foreskin to reverse the keratinization of his glans (without my prompting).
Help me! I would love it even if he just had enough skin to allow the penis to have a normal erection that doesn’t seem like it’s trapped, wanting to rip through his skin. I have held my tongue for so long, and sometimes I want to bring it up and I’ll take a Benadryl to make me sleepy so I don’t say anything and hurt his feelings. But we barely have sex nowadays.
Please help me navigate this.”
Highlights from the responses
“oh, and btw, I’d avoid the traumatic talk. Your description was very vivid. Hearing it like that could scare him. Take it slow.”
“I see no reason not to bring it up with him, he needs to know that it is making sex painful for you.”
[from the woman with the request for advice] “I’d never bring up my ex. My ex sucked, and my boyfriend is incredible lol. I only mentioned him to point out how I knew the difference between circumcised and intact so acutely.”
“First of all, he does appear to have a desire to improve his sexual function. It might have been some years ago, but if he had it then he probably still has it now. Maybe he hasn’t mentioned it because he is afraid to raise it. Whatever the reason, I think you have got a good case to bring it up with him, but here’s the catch: you should only ever bring it up from HIS situation. Say something like “I remember a while back, you were interested in dekeratinising your glans. Well, the other day I read about some more permanent options that I think you’ll be interested in…” and go from there. But at no point do you make it about you, the impact he has on you or on your sex life. If he takes up restoration, encourage him, share his progress journey, celebrate successes and make sure he knows he doesn’t need to hide it from you.
I’m not sure exactly how long you’ve been feeling like this, but if you’ve been with intact men and admired the way their penis functions in contrast then it’s hardly a new revelation.”
“hiding from your partner that you are not satisfied is not honest either.”
“You do make a very valid point. I think it is important to mention this, absolutely. It needs to be said how much it affects her, just not made entirely about her. A good angle to take is “I think WE would both enjoy sex more of you had a foreskin” rather than “I know I would enjoy sex more of you had a foreskin”.”
[from the woman with the request for advice] “While I would love it if he had a foreskin, I’d be content if I could just touch his erection without feeling like the skin was going to split.”
“This is such a delicate situation. Chances are your boyfriend is already insecure about his penis and bringing it up could do a lot of damage to his self-esteem. On the other hand, his circumcision is affecting you directly (sex hurts!), and it’s perfectly healthy and normal for you to have the desire to talk about it. He most likely is not aware of the extent to which his circumcision is affecting you and I think that’s how I would approach the matter.
Start by reaffirming that you love him, that you guys are a team and that, above everything, you want to feel close and connected to him. Continue : “We’ve been together for almost 10 years and I’m very happy with our sex life, but I feel like there’s something I should talk to you about, and I should have brought it up sooner but I didn’t want to hurt you. You know how much I love you.” Tell him how the circumcision affects you, and remind him that you are bringing this up because you want the both of you to enjoy the best sexual life possible. When you bring up the problem, make sure to not antagonize him. Say “us” a lot, make it clear that you guys are on the same team, that it’s not “him” vs “you”. It’s both of you vs the problem, the goal of this discussion is to find a solution that makes you both, as a couple, happier. You could then remind him about the silicone foreskin he was looking into last year and tell him that there is another solution : foreskin restoration. From there on, if he’s open to the idea, give him more info about it, how it could improve your sex life and solve some of his problems (keratinization, tight erections, scrotum hair on the shaft, etc.). Whatever happens, be ready to accept that he might chose not to restore and don’t push it if it’s the case.
That’s how I’d personally approach it with my boyfriend. You could also try and contact a sex therapist and ask for their advice. Good luck!”
“I would just float the possibility that his cutting was tighter than average and that he would be more comfortable with more mobile skin. It doesn’t need to be a big dramatic talk—at least not at first.”
“Damn. I wish you were my wife. She literally the exact opinion on everything you pointed out here. It sucks. I’m sure if you keep at it he will consider. It’s much easier with support. I have to essentially hide my restoration from her because she always has something snarky to say.”
The beer that’s pictured
When I bought this beer the cashier was enthusiastic because it was a “true” stout in the sense that the makers did not add excessive coffee, caramel, sugar, oatmeal and other enticements to make it look like a Frappuccino. I used to drink a lot of stouts and porters and I often felt that the sugar overwhelmed the drink. But this Cavatica Stout was great.
pseudoisaac 