It’s very rare to find a good listener among either sex.
I recently asked for relationship advice from a female friend and I found that she talked about her own issues for most of the time. When I finally got a chance to speak, we soon had to leave and I only partly received the help I had made myself vulnerable by asking for.
When I spent half the day with a male friend I found the guy was even more voluble. His speech was like a motor: once he got revved up his mouth would hardly close for long stretches at a time. Despite being someone who is genuinely interested in knowing what I had to say, he just could not come down from his excited, lengthy talk. Somehow each of my words was met with 20 of his. I do not sense a growing understanding of me on his part, despite the quality time we’ve spent together.
A female colleague harps on the same issue that’s bothering her day after day. It seems to help her to talk about it with me and she has told me I helped her with certain insights and discovery. But I can’t unlock those same benefits for myself because she is unresponsive to my own problems.
Another male friend cannot seem to connect outside of a narrow range of geeky interests. He is suited for “side-by-side” pursuits such as setting up a camera or a Star Wars figurine. But not a conversational give-and-take. It’s hard to imagine him identifying an assumption of mine or ever challenging me on something. Instead he would shrug. I suppose it’s an accepting attitude, which is good, but it’s not listening and seeing whatever substance I may have to offer.
I wonder if the problem is with me. Maybe I am too quiet, like a blank canvas on which another person can fling their emotional and intellectual paint and swirl it around and see how they like the look of it. Maybe I make people feel understood. Or perhaps I am not asking for help and reciprocation in a way others can recognize and respond to.
pseudoisaac 