I have been challenging myself by initiating social interactions, addressing my social phobia directly using repeated and escalating exposure.
A book that helped prompt this effort is “How to Be Yourself” by the brilliant psychologist Ellen Hendriksen.
Small talk with birder on a trail
I noticed a birder on a trail that I frequent who was photographing eagles. I saw an unfamiliar snake near my feet and asked him if he knew the species. We chatted about the photos he had gotten, which included a couple of spectacular ones. Turns out this man, who was in his 60s, was named Brad. How about that?
Small talk with man at gym
I noticed a guy at my gym who looked strikingly similar to Portland mayor Ted Wheeler. His tee shirt said, “Hayabusa.” I asked him if he was a space enthusiast, having followed the Hayabusa probes which were the first probes to return asteroid samples to earth. He said no, it was a motorcycle company. We had a laugh over that and he seemed intrigued with the probe concept and with me.
Small talk with man named Koki
I talked with a man named Koki at a Willamette River overlook in my neighborhood who told me about his visits to Japan where he was born on a military base. He offered me a beer but I declined because I had stuff to do.
Small talk with kayaker
I spoke with a kayaker at Lindbergh Beach. We talked about the disproportionate number of dead bodies that turn up in Portland due to mental illness, drug abuse, and outdoor culture. We marveled through my binoculars at a secretive military speedboat that appeared suddenly from a hidden harbor.
Weird experience with a cyclist/photographer on a trail
While I was enjoying myself on the Columbia slough, sitting and watching the wildlife, a guy biked by me and said something like, “Enjoying a sewage ditch!?” I ignored him. But on my way home I came across him photographing the slough like a nature enthusiast. Instead of biking by, I chose the positive interpretation of his behavior and so I told him about the river otters I had just seen. He said, “Yeah, no wonder, it’s their habitat,” and biked off dismissively.
Perhaps he was a lonely middle-aged guy who never learned to relate decently and properly to other people. Applying myself and honing my good-nature will help me avoid becoming like him. Even after a sour interaction like that, I learn a lot and am a little glad I am not like that person.
Boss battle: attractive young woman
I said a nice word of parting to a staff member at my gym.
For more than a year I went there and never said anything beyond “Hello” and “See you later.” She also gave me information. I had noticed how diligently she cleaned and tidied and how she always smiled. Today was the last day before my membership expires, and I am not going to renew until the face mask requirement is lifted (I am gagging on this thing during workouts).
I actually left the building but then went back in to say goodbye. I did so despite my heart rate rising. I wanted to say something nice to her despite my fear, instead of just disappearing, which is so easy and common in our society.
It turned out the conversation flowed on its own. We talked briefly about how the new normal of covid sucks and how we are adapting.
I began the bit I had rehearsed in my head and said, “I’ve been coming to this gym for a year, and I want to tell you that I think you’re a very diligent worker and I always like seeing your face when I come in. And you have great taste in music, especially compared to your coworker who plays Elton John almost every Sunday.”
Then we laughed and conversed more. Then I left, proud of having confronted a fear of mine and having said goodbye to a friendly person in a friendly way. And nothing bad happened.
Acceptance
I challenge myself almost every week to chat with people I would otherwise ignore and put myself in social situations where there is no structure and the outcome is unpredictable. It’s how I dampen physiologic reactions such as a pounding heart, and unwanted behaviors of mine such as avoidance. My goal is to get closer to social ease and spontaneity.
I go in without escape routes planned, without “props,” or opening lines, and without worrying about things that would have made me avoid conversation in the past, such as a stained tee shirt or a blemish on my eye.
Even if I never attain total social ease and spontaneity, so what? It’s another part of me that I must deal with and that makes me unique. As long as I address it directly I can keep it from limiting the experiences I need for growth in my chosen arenas of life.
As an analogy: I am in excellent health, but I have a number of small medical conditions that I have to take extra time to keep under control with home remedies and treatments, such as mild eczema, Rayndaud’s phenomenon, and meibomianitis. They are a nuisance but not something I suffer from. I don’t curse the unpitying universe over these mundane health and wellness chores.
Social phobia is like that. I accept this condition of mine and I study its origins and its peculiar manifestations in me. But it does not define me. And I celebrate my consistent effort and progress in counteracting it.
All of these people in my life, if I see them again, will get a friendly acknowledgement from me. I won’t pretend I didn’t recognize them. We’ll pick up right where we left off and the seed of a positive relationship will grow.
About the photo
This sailboat in Willamette Cove appears to be abandoned. I believe the other handful of boats are occupied night and day, but this one drifted off unclaimed.
pseudoisaac 