Camping on the John Day River in north-central Oregon

I camped on the John Day river in north-central Oregon. It was a highlight of the summer because it meant connecting with cool people in a special natural place.

Some memories include:

  • The Perseid meteors (one every few minutes because we were there a little before the peak and the moon was bright) and the Milky Way
  • My companions saw the comet NEOWISE at 0200 one night before I arrived. I think it was one of the last flashes of this comet before it disappears for good. I did not see it despite setting my alarm and scanning the skies.
  • Hiking the dry hilly scrubland and scoping out isolated camping spots for next time
  • Driving back on US Highway 26 and seeing changing landscapes and an unfamiliar eastern aspect of Mount Hood
  • Frogs, brook trout, raptors, agates, sagebrush and bleached animal bones
  • The painted hills
  • Good camp food and comfort
  • Kayaking, paddleboarding, tubing, cliff jumping and swimming

The exact site was the Priest Hole recreation area, on Bureau of Land Management land.

About the photo

It’s a slug I found

Social phobia exposure exercises

I have been challenging myself by initiating social interactions, addressing my social phobia directly using repeated and escalating exposure.

A book that helped prompt this effort is “How to Be Yourself” by the brilliant psychologist Ellen Hendriksen.

Small talk with birder on a trail

I noticed a birder on a trail that I frequent who was photographing eagles. I saw an unfamiliar snake near my feet and asked him if he knew the species. We chatted about the photos he had gotten, which included a couple of spectacular ones. Turns out this man, who was in his 60s, was named Brad. How about that?

Small talk with man at gym

I noticed a guy at my gym who looked strikingly similar to Portland mayor Ted Wheeler. His tee shirt said, “Hayabusa.” I asked him if he was a space enthusiast, having followed the Hayabusa probes which were the first probes to return asteroid samples to earth. He said no, it was a motorcycle company. We had a laugh over that and he seemed intrigued with the probe concept and with me.

Small talk with man named Koki

I talked with a man named Koki at a Willamette River overlook in my neighborhood who told me about his visits to Japan where he was born on a military base. He offered me a beer but I declined because I had stuff to do.

Small talk with kayaker

I spoke with a kayaker at Lindbergh Beach. We talked about the disproportionate number of dead bodies that turn up in Portland due to mental illness, drug abuse, and outdoor culture. We marveled through my binoculars at a secretive military speedboat that appeared suddenly from a hidden harbor.

Weird experience with a cyclist/photographer on a trail

While I was enjoying myself on the Columbia slough, sitting and watching the wildlife, a guy biked by me and said something like, “Enjoying a sewage ditch!?” I ignored him. But on my way home I came across him photographing the slough like a nature enthusiast. Instead of biking by, I chose the positive interpretation of his behavior and so I told him about the river otters I had just seen. He said, “Yeah, no wonder, it’s their habitat,” and biked off dismissively.

Perhaps he was a lonely middle-aged guy who never learned to relate decently and properly to other people. Applying myself and honing my good-nature will help me avoid becoming like him. Even after a sour interaction like that, I learn a lot and am a little glad I am not like that person.

Boss battle: attractive young woman

I said a nice word of parting to a staff member at my gym.

For more than a year I went there and never said anything beyond “Hello” and “See you later.” She also gave me information. I had noticed how diligently she cleaned and tidied and how she always smiled. Today was the last day before my membership expires, and I am not going to renew until the face mask requirement is lifted (I am gagging on this thing during workouts).

I actually left the building but then went back in to say goodbye. I did so despite my heart rate rising. I wanted to say something nice to her despite my fear, instead of just disappearing, which is so easy and common in our society.

It turned out the conversation flowed on its own. We talked briefly about how the new normal of covid sucks and how we are adapting.

I began the bit I had rehearsed in my head and said, “I’ve been coming to this gym for a year, and I want to tell you that I think you’re a very diligent worker and I always like seeing your face when I come in. And you have great taste in music, especially compared to your coworker who plays Elton John almost every Sunday.”

Then we laughed and conversed more. Then I left, proud of having confronted a fear of mine and having said goodbye to a friendly person in a friendly way. And nothing bad happened.

Acceptance

I challenge myself almost every week to chat with people I would otherwise ignore and put myself in social situations where there is no structure and the outcome is unpredictable. It’s how I dampen physiologic reactions such as a pounding heart, and unwanted behaviors of mine such as avoidance. My goal is to get closer to social ease and spontaneity.

I go in without escape routes planned, without “props,” or opening lines, and without worrying about things that would have made me avoid conversation in the past, such as a stained tee shirt or a blemish on my eye.

Even if I never attain total social ease and spontaneity, so what? It’s another part of me that I must deal with and that makes me unique. As long as I address it directly I can keep it from limiting the experiences I need for growth in my chosen arenas of life.

As an analogy: I am in excellent health, but I have a number of small medical conditions that I have to take extra time to keep under control with home remedies and treatments, such as mild eczema, Rayndaud’s phenomenon, and meibomianitis. They are a nuisance but not something I suffer from. I don’t curse the unpitying universe over these mundane health and wellness chores.

Social phobia is like that. I accept this condition of mine and I study its origins and its peculiar manifestations in me. But it does not define me. And I celebrate my consistent effort and progress in counteracting it.

All of these people in my life, if I see them again, will get a friendly acknowledgement from me. I won’t pretend I didn’t recognize them. We’ll pick up right where we left off and the seed of a positive relationship will grow.

About the photo

This sailboat in Willamette Cove appears to be abandoned. I believe the other handful of boats are occupied night and day, but this one drifted off unclaimed.

River otters spotted in the Columbia Slough

I was really happy to see these animals living just a couple of miles from me in the slough.

The two otters surprised me when they hopped out of the water, poked around for a bit and then dove back into the water and disappeared.

This site goes into more detail about their presence in the metro area and this site has photos of another otter in the same area (Smith and Bybee Lakes).

About the photo: Salt and Pepper go BERSERK when I hand them a bit of a boiled egg.

My smooth, uncomplicated experience getting surgically sterilized

I got surgically sterilized on Friday. I did it to be as certain as possible that I will never cause a pregnancy or father any children.

It was through Planned Parenthood in Portland and it involved as little hassle as one can hope for in the US medical system. Insurance will cover what they claim is 100% but I might have to pay $150 (one copay for each of the 3 visits). The only hassle was related to covid precautions and the overstretched, understaffed telephone scheduling system.

A Family Nurse Practitioner (FNP) performed my vasectomy. The procedure is simple enough not to require a doctor or a doctor’s supervision.

All the info i received from her, the RN, the medical assistants and the administrative staff was straightforward, fact-based, nonjudgmental, and free of inappropriate questions such as whether i am “totally, completely sure” about it.

For instance, instead of asking, “Are you sure you want to do this?” the staff would say, “Vasectomy is a permanent birth control option and only reversible with difficulty so people who opt for it should be certain they do not want to ever father any children.”

They are required to ask how many children you have (zero in my case) and this did not trigger any invasive follow-up questions. There was also no chit-chat that could be perceived as invasive. I think this is one of the advantages of doing it at Planned Parenthood.

I was prepared to argue and fight if there was resistance to my request. I was prepared to point out that my bodily autonomy and integrity were violated when i was only a couple of weeks old when a doctor subjected me to non-therapeutic genital cutting and that the least they could do now was respect the wishes of an adult when it comes to his reproductive autonomy. Fortunately there was no need to argue my case or get worked up like that.

This contrasts with the experience of a coworker of mine who told the story of the doctor trying to dissuade her from her sterilization procedure up to moments before sedating her. She was younger (26), female, undergoing a bilateral salpingectomy (a more invasive surgery) and lived in Nebraska. In contrast, I am 34, male, undergoing a simple snip-snip, and living in Portland, Oregon.

The method involved a tiny titanium clip. It will not set off airport metal detectors nor interfere with MRIs. I had to sit with a heating pad on my lap for a while to warm myself up and let the lorazepam take effect. There was a topical anesthetic (i think) followed by a few sharp needle pokes. Then no sensation at all. The FNP verbally notified me of each step, including the cauterization, and I could hardly follow along because I had so little sensation.

I initially declined the lorazepam but the FNP said it helped with the procedure because a relaxed and anxiety-free mind will help to relax the anatomy and make the surgical targets easier to find and work with. The scrotum is full of tiny muscles that can expand and contract with the ambient conditions and one’s mental state.

I was in at 1100 and out by 1345. I also had a pre-procedure consultation and must go back for the effectiveness check (i.e. bust a load in a cup).

I walked home because I live close by. I stopped to get some dish soap and have no memory of going into the store and buying it, nor do i remember most of my walk home. The lorazepam inhibits the formation of new memories. I forgot the latter parts of the procedure as well.

I was given a prescription for hydrocodone/acetaminophen but I did not bother to fill it, nor did i take any other medications for pain. I only feel slight and transient discomfort when I jostle my balls a bit.

Two days later, the incisions are healing, i have very little bruising and no swelling. I am taking it easy and have not felt the need to ice my balls. And tomorrow life will be mostly back to normal. I am keeping bandages over the incisions to ensure they are dry and covered.

I will go into the clinic in 3-4 months to produce a semen sample to confirm none of the little swimmers are escaping.

A hike to the summit of Mt Defiance

I hiked from Starvation Creek State Park to the summit of Mt Defiance. 

I had the day off and initially meant to go to Rooster Rock State Park. However, I realized that this park had trails of only a few miles length. I wanted a destination that was a little more engaging and where I could leave the stroller crowd behind. Somehow I went in the extreme opposite direction and settled on Mt Defiance, which is considered the most difficult hike in the Columbia River Gorge near Portland.

The first part of the trail is pretty ugly. It is lined by invasive weeds. The stink of the highway and railroad below is hard on your lungs as you climb.

Then the air clears and freshens and the trail turns into a series of switchbacks and ridges that climb and climb. The steep parts are punctuated by peaceful trails that are sheltered from the wind of the Gorge.

There are many signs of the Eagle Creek fire in the form of dead, burned trees and grassy cliffs that used to be more wooded. But post-disturbance ecological succession is occurring. Beetles and other bugs are crawling about and woodpeckers are hunting them. Each year looks different.

I would have liked to visit Warren Lake but doing so would require doubling back because the trail was closed due to communications tower work. Next time I go I will visit this mountain lake and perhaps camp overnight.

At the summit there is a large communications installation that is a bit incongruous with the scenery. But I enjoyed the spectacular views of Mount Hood and all the way to the town of John Day. I snacked up there and drank almost all the fluids I had brought.

I headed down and noticed that the descent is a lot harder on the knees than the ascent. I had been training on the stair stepper at my gym, but I don’t know how to strengthen my knees for this unusual movement down. I am still sore two days later.

A visit to the Alvord Desert of southeastern Oregon

I visited the desert of southeastern Oregon a week ago. I felt fascination and awe at the landscapes. And I underwent relationship difficulty followed by growth.

Sheer physical awe at the landforms

To picture the Alvord Desert, take an image from a Mars rover and superimpose a bright blue sky.  The lakebed (playa) is extremely flat and featureless and is surrounded by dry scrubland. The landscape is completely unlike the wet mossy forests of western Oregon. My friends and I stayed in two bunkers and one night we camped on the playa.

We watched the rise of the full moon and felt chained to the spot by the clear geometric transition as it rose over the mountains and turned from orange to eggshell white. 

We visited Steens Mountain and viewed a mountain lake. The trail to it crossed snow and involved steep switchbacks that were too intimidating for one member of my group for us to proceed.

We hiked Blitzen Creek and took in everything from the rocky valley walls above us to the clear blue stream and aspen groves at our sides. We watched brook trout, a gecko, a snake and a day-foraging bat. We watched ravens and hawks battle for existence in their nests among the cliffs (I suspect the ravens were entertaining themselves and the hawks were fiercely defending their nests and young).

We soaked in the natural hot spring and scrubbed off the dust and sunscreen and sweat. Having access to water (instead of just sponge baths) in the context of a three-night trip like this made a huge difference for our comfort.

I felt fear and worry at times. The trip was long and one of our cars was not the most robust. A woman had died out there the previous year while attempting to set a land speed record. You have to be self-sufficient because of the sparse gas stations and towns. At times I felt fear at the vast landscape around us. A friend briefly had trouble breathing because of the dust and grit. When camping on the playa, we thought we might be in an all-night sandstorm. The Uno cards were flying out of our hands. But fortunately it died down.

There was also the fire risk, which we did not understand until a resident warned us. Some ignorant campers lit peace lanterns over the playa, which is a terrible idea. One of the lanterns launched straight up and out, presumably to land in dry scrubland miles away. Another rolled on the ground right toward my companion before he swatted the flaming paper object out of the air. 

The leave no trace ethic is as important here as anywhere. But overall the crowds were not bad. The people we talked to were from Portland, San Francisco, Oakland, Denver, Bend and the southeast and all were interesting. Some stayed in the bunkers, some camped in tents on the playa, and some stayed in pickups and trailers with overlanding setups.

There is much more to see in the Alvord Desert area. Nearby are more hot springs, the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, and dozens of hikes and vistas we didn’t have time for. Perhaps this is the kind of place that calls for a yearly visit, at different months, so you can check everything out.

Strife and grief among my group

The rupture of a deep friendship

My friend had just chosen to sever ties with her best friend, who was the conceiver and organizer of the trip. She only agreed to go for my sake, because she knew how much I wanted it. This was painful for her. And although I supported her fully, it was painful for me to watch because I had recently put effort into repairing relationships that I had stupidly avoided addressing. The thought of a lost friendship saddens me.

This rupture was especially poignant because I view my friend as a master of interpersonal dynamics, someone with true integrity and generosity who treats people well. When she first introduced me to the one she called her best friend, I felt genuine respect and wonder because of these traits. I thought, “If she considers this person to be her best friend, she must be pretty special.” I think those good traits led to a deeper capactity for pain, and a deeper sense of hurt and betrayal when certain lines were crossed.

I listened as best as I could and I acknowledged that I did not fully understand but I vowed to support my friend throughout.

The grief of a regretted abortion of twins

To add to the hurt, her other friend had aborted twins only a week before and she said she regretted it. She wanted to be a mother despite the great difficulties it would pose at this stage of her life. She even had a printout of the ultrasound image, with two distinct fetuses facing each other in their little coccoon.

And in close quarters with all this (though we were a group of eight), was me, a socially inept person with a simple desire to enjoy the place despite all this tension and upset. I did not say the right things. I did not have any wisdom to share. I did not assuage anyone’s pain.

As I step back, I realize that the fear and worry I felt when taking in the landscape was partly because these interpersonal issues, which I could not fully understand or fix, also dwarfed me and loomed all around me like those distant hills and mountains you see from the middle of the desolate lakebed.

New friendships. A keen desire to learn

I decided to give these two as much space, peace and quiet as they needed. I bonded with other people I didn’t expect and had a fun, high-energy experience for the second half.

One was a skilled planner and organizer who shares my zeal for special natural places. Another is a member of a psychedelics group that advocates for legalization (and does some tripping of their own of course). Another was an esthetician who said she would zap some capillaries for me and join me for French conversation groups. Another is a quiet one who I hope to get to know better. And the last is a talented cook and DJ who shared my goal of forming more and better male friendships.

Next trip is to Priest Hole

I soaked up the sights of the landforms carved and scrubbed by eons of wind, water and sun. I was in my element. With a humble desire to understand, I marveled at the landforms, the night sky, and the sense of a deep geologic timescale.

In the midst of this I also had time to reflect on the mysterious and awesome forces that move people’s hearts. These forces are of equal complexity and importance. In this realm of the interpersonal I am very much not in my element. However I have a keen hunger to learn, to become more knowledgeable and adept – basically, to get better at being a good friend.

The next trip will be to Priest Hole at the end of the month. Most of these same friends will be along and I will bring them my absolute best.

I re-read Steppenwolf and gained a lot more meaning from it this time

To me, this book is about learning to listen first instead of imposing your inevitably narrow and colored perspective on the world. It’s about trusting others who can help you. It’s about learning what is to be taken seriously and laughing at the rest.

The story is about healing

It is not a celebration of the lonely and unhappy protagonist, Harry Haller. Hermann Hesse says so in the author’s note:

Of course, I neither can nor intend to tell my readers how they ought to understand my tale. May everyone find in it what strikes a chord in him and is of some use to him! But I would be happy if many of them were to realize that the story of the Steppenwolf pictures a disease and crisis—but not one leading to death and destruction, on the contrary: to healing.

Haller has positive attributes in his rich inner life, his anti-war activism and his upholding of an ideal world of aesthetic harmony:

He had thought more than other men, and in matters of the intellect he had that calm objectivity, that certainty of thought and knowledge, such as only really intellectual men have, who have no axe to grind, who never wish to shine, or to talk others down, or to appear always in the right.

But he also offends good-natured people around him who extend genuine friendship and goodwill. He fails to strike the right chord in conversation. He appears arrogant but is seething with self-contempt like an angry adolescent. 

He suffers psychologically even when he could find happiness and contentment in the people that are right in front of him:

In course of time I was more and more conscious, too, that this affliction was not due to any defects of nature, but rather to a profusion of gifts and powers which had not attained to harmony. I saw that Haller was a genius of suffering and that in the meaning of many sayings of Nietzsche he had created within himself with positive genius a boundless and frightful capacity for pain.

The book is not a sustained invective against “society’s sickness”

That is only a backdrop or a suggestion, though it is strongly framed this way:

But I see something more in them. I see them as a document of the times, for Haller’s sickness of the soul, as I now know, is not the eccentricity of a single individual, but the sickness of the times themselves, the neurosis of that generation to which Haller belongs, a sickness, it seems, that by no means attacks the weak and worthless only but, rather, precisely those who are strongest in spirit and richest in gifts.

Now there are times when a whole generation is caught in this way between two ages, two modes of life, with the consequence that it loses all power to understand itself and has no standard, no security, no simple acquiescence.

Haller belongs to those who have been caught between two ages, who are outside of all security and simple acquiescence. He belongs to those whose fate it is to live the whole riddle of human destiny heightened to the pitch of a personal torture, a personal hell.

The above framing might make him seem heroic, as taking a strong moral stand against the age. But this idea is picked apart and mocked later on the book. Jeremiads like that are extremely boring and this book is not one of them.

Even the central concept of having a divided nature (Harry and the Steppenwolf) is ridiculed.

Alas! I am of a divided nature, woe is me!

In the case of Harry, however, it was just the opposite. In him the man and the wolf did not go the same way together, but were in continual and deadly enmity.

Usually these were the most disappointed and angry of all; and so it was that the Steppenwolf brought his own dual and divided nature into the destinies of others besides himself whenever he came into contact with them.

In this connection one thing more must be said. There are a good many people of the same kind as Harry. Many artists are of his kind. These persons all have two souls, two beings within them. There is God and the devil in them; the mother’s blood and the father’s; the capacity for happiness and the capacity for suffering; and in just such a state of enmity and entanglement towards and within each other as were the wolf and man in Harry. And these men, for whom life has no repose, live at times in their rare moments of happiness with such strength and indescribable beauty, the spray of their moment’s happiness is flung so high and dazzlingly over the wide sea of suffering, that the light of it, spreading its radiance, touches others too with its enchantment. Thus, like a precious, fleeting foam over the sea of suffering arise all those works of art, in which a single individual lifts himself for an hour so high above his personal destiny that his happiness shines like a star and appears to all who see it as something eternal and as a happiness of their own.

Hesse contradicts the tired model of duality and elaborates on the many mixed and changing threads of one’s nature and on the ever-present possibility of renewal:

We demonstrate to anyone whose soul has fallen to pieces that he can rearrange these pieces of a previous self in what order he pleases, and so attain to an endless multiplicity of moves in the game of life. As the playwright shapes a drama from a handful of characters, so do we from the pieces of the disintegrated self build up ever new groups, with ever new interplay and suspense, and new situations that are eternally inexhaustible.

Haller is not a person to be celebrated:

But in the midst of the freedom he had attained Harry suddenly became aware that his freedom was a death and that he stood alone. The world in an uncanny fashion left him in peace.

Other men concerned him no longer. He was not even concerned about himself. He began to suffocate slowly in the more and more rarefied atmosphere of remoteness and solitude. For now it was his wish no longer, nor his aim, to be alone and independent, but rather his lot and his sentence. The magic wish had been fulfilled and could not be cancelled, and it was no good now to open his arms with longing and goodwill to welcome the bonds of society. People left him alone now.

Haller needs to be smacked:

Although he is a most cultivated person, he proceeds like a savage that cannot count further than two. He calls himself part wolf, part man, and with that he thinks he has come to an end and exhausted the matter. With the “man” he packs in everything spiritual and sublimated or even cultivated to be found in himself, and with the wolf all that is instinctive, savage and chaotic.

He who sentimentally sings of blessed childhood is thinking of the return to nature and innocence and the origin of things, and has quite forgotten that these blessed children are beset with conflict and complexities and capable of all suffering.

Genius is not so rare as we sometimes think; nor, certainly, so frequent as may appear from history books or, indeed, from the newspapers. Harry has, we should say, genius enough to attempt the quest of true manhood instead of discoursing pitifully about his stupid Steppenwolf at every difficulty encountered.

Man designs for himself a garden with a hundred kinds of trees, a thousand kinds of flowers, a hundred kinds of fruit and vegetables. Suppose, then, that the gardener of this garden knew no other distinction than between edible and inedible, nine-tenths of this garden would be useless to him. He would pull up the most enchanting flowers and hew down the noblest trees and even regard them with a loathing and envious eye. This is what the Steppenwolf does with the thousand flowers of his soul. What does not stand classified as either man or wolf he does not see at all. And consider all that he imputes to “man”! All that is cowardly and apish, stupid and mean—while to the wolf, only because he has not succeeded in making himself its master, is set down all that is strong and noble.

Haller lacks humor and lightheartedness, which gives you the ability to extract joy from the moment and rise above

Humor alone, that magnificent discovery of those who are cut short in their calling to highest endeavor, those who falling short of tragedy are yet as rich in gifts as in affliction, humor alone (perhaps the most inborn and brilliant achievement of the spirit) attains to the impossible and brings every aspect of human existence within the rays of its prism. To live in the world as though it were not the world, to respect the law and yet to stand above it, to have possessions as though “one possessed nothing,” to renounce as though it were no renunciation, all these favorite and often formulated propositions of an exalted worldly wisdom, it is in the power of humor alone to make efficacious.

His “artless simplifications” lead only to renunciation, nothingness, and suicidality

Death was decreed for this Steppenwolf. He must with his own hand make an end of his detested existence—unless, molten in the fire of a renewed self-knowledge, he underwent a change and passed over to a self, new and undisguised.

It is true that every time my life was shattered in this way I had in the end gained something, some increase in liberty and in spiritual growth and depth, but with it went an increased loneliness, an increasing chill of severance and estrangement.

Granting that I had in the course of all my painful transmutations made some invisible and unaccountable gain, I had had to pay dearly for it; and at every turn my life was harsher, more difficult, lonely and perilous. In truth, I had little cause to wish to continue in that way which led on into ever thinner air, like the smoke in Nietzsche’s harvest song.

He looks with contempt at normal people with normal jobs. He has little appreciation for others and the rich lives they might lead. Because he is unhappy, he judges the world as vacant and bleak:

Without really wanting to at all, they pay calls and carry on conversations, sit out their hours at desks and on office chairs; and it is all compulsory, mechanical and against the grain, and it could all be done or left undone just as well by machines; and indeed it is this never-ceasing machinery that prevents their being, like me, the critics of their own lives and recognizing the stupidity and shallowness, the hopeless tragedy and waste of the lives they lead, and the awful ambiguity grinning over it all. And they are right, right a thousand times to live as they do, playing their games and pursuing their business, instead of resisting the dreary machine and staring into the void as I do, who have left the track.

I walked through the grey streets in a rage and everything smelt of moist earth and burial. I swore that none of these death-vultures should stand at my grave, with cassock and sentimental Christian murmurings. Ah, look where I might and think what I might, there was no cause for rejoicing and nothing beckoned me. There was nothing to charm me or tempt me. Everything was old, withered, grey, limp and spent, and stank of staleness and decay. Dear God, how was it possible? How had I, with the wings of youth and poetry, come to this? Art and travel and the glow of ideals—and now this! How had this paralysis crept over me so slowly and furtively, this hatred against myself and everybody, this deep-seated anger and obstruction of all feelings, this filthy hell of emptiness and despair.

He is extremely lonely and views his human need for connection as below him, as an embarrassing instinct that contradicts his high and rarefied nature:

And while I, Harry Haller, stood there in the street, flattered and surprised and studiously polite and smiling into the good fellow’s kindly, short-sighted face, there stood the other Harry, too, at my elbow and grinned likewise. He stood there and grinned as he thought what a funny, crazy, dishonest fellow I was to show my teeth in rage and curse the whole world one moment and, the next, to be falling all over myself in the eagerness of my response to the first amiable greeting of the first good honest fellow who came my way, to be wallowing like a suckling-pig in the luxury of a little pleasant feeling and friendly esteem.

With that I got up and took leave of Goethe and of the professor. I seized my hat and coat from the rack outside and left the house. The wolf in me howled in gleeful triumph, and a dramatic struggle between my two selves followed. For it was at once clear to me that this disagreeable evening had much more significance for me than for the indignant professor. For him, it was a disillusionment and a petty outrage. For me, it was a final failure and flight. It was my leave-taking from the respectable, moral and learned world, and a complete triumph for the Steppenwolf. I was sent flying and beaten from the field, bankrupt in my own eyes, dismissed without a shred of credit or a ray of humor to comfort me.

This path leads nowhere but to suicide:

I saw no other way of escape from this dreadful specter. Suppose that today cowardice won a victory over despair, tomorrow and each succeeding day I would again face despair heightened by self-contempt.

A friend saves him and ridicules the difficulties he perpetually makes for himself

And this wonderful friend had talked to me of the saints and shown me that even when I had outdone myself in absurdity I was not alone. I was not an incomprehensible and ailing exception.

In her friendly way she elicited this and that about my life and thoughts without actually asking questions and listened attentively to my confessions, while at the same time she did not give them more importance than an intelligent and motherly woman would to the peccadilloes of men.

I realised that it was the unendurable tension between inability to live and inability to die that made the unknown girl, the pretty dancer of the Black Eagle, so important to me. She was the one window, the one tiny crack of light in my black hole of dread. She was my release and my way to freedom. She had to teach me to live or teach me to die. She had to touch my deadened heart with her firm and pretty hand, and at the touch of life it would either leap again to flame or subside in ashes. I could not imagine whence she derived these powers, what the source of her magic was, in what secret soil this deep meaning she had for me had grown up; nor did it matter. I did not care to know. There was no longer the least importance for me in any knowledge or perception I might have.

I might have made the most intelligent and penetrating remarks about the ramifications and the causes of my sufferings, my sickness of soul, my general bedevilment of neurosis. The mechanism was transparent to me. But what I needed was not knowledge and understanding. What I longed for in my despair was life and resolution, action and reaction, impulse and impetus.

Hermine saw through Haller completely and called him out:

Yet though she played at being a child she had seen through me completely, and though she made me her pupil there and then in the game of living for each fleeting moment, she seemed to know more of life than is known to the wisest of the wise. It might be the highest wisdom or the merest artlessness. It is certain in any case that life is quite disarmed by the gift to live so entirely in the present, to treasure with such eager care every flower by the wayside and the light that plays on every passing moment. Was I to believe that this happy child with her hearty appetite and the air of a gourmet was at the same time a victim of hysterical visions who wished to die? or a careful calculating woman who, unmoved herself, had the conscious intention of making me her lover and her slave? I could not believe it. No, her surrender to the moment was so simple and complete that the fleeting shadows and agitation to the very depths of the soul came to her no less than every pleasurable impulse and were lived as fully.

Hermine and Haller are another dual and complementary pair that leads to growth instead of antagonism:

“I don’t despair. As to suffering—oh, yes, I know all about that! You are surprised that I should be unhappy when I can dance and am so sure of myself in the superficial things of life. And I, my friend, am surprised that you are so disillusioned with life when you are at home with the very things in it that are the deepest and most beautiful, spirit, art, and thought! That is why we were drawn to one another and why we are brother and sister. I am going to teach you to dance and play and smile, and still not be happy. And you are going to teach me to think and to know and yet not be happy.

Though I might not see her every day, I was all the same continually under her eye, guided, guarded and counseled—besides, she read all my mad thoughts of rebellion and escape in my face, and smiled at them.

Hermine says what Haller wants to hear (perhaps because she’s not real and he stupidly imposed his own warped views on her):

You are right, Steppenwolf, right a thousand times over, and yet you must go to the wall. You are much too exacting and hungry for this simple, easygoing and easily contented world of today. You have a dimension too many. Whoever wants to live and enjoy his life today must not be like you and me. Whoever wants music instead of noise, joy instead of pleasure, soul instead of gold, creative work instead of business, passion instead of foolery, finds no home in this trivial world of ours—”

Ah, Harry, we have to stumble through so much dirt and humbug before we reach home. And we have no one to guide us. Our only guide is our homesickness.”

I was particularly thankful to her for having expressed the thought of eternity just at this time. I needed it, for without it I could not live and neither could I die. The sacred sense of beyond, of timelessness, of a world which had an eternal value and the substance of which was divine had been given back to me today by this friend of mine who taught me dancing.

I appreciate the preoccupation with sex

Sex led to rediscovery and realignment with reality and a new valuing of life:

And so in the tender beauty of the night many pictures of my life rose before me who for so long had lived in a poor pictureless vacancy. Now, at the magic touch of Eros, the source of them was opened up and flowed in plenty. For moments together my heart stood still between delight and sorrow to find how rich was the gallery of my life, and how thronged the soul of the wretched Steppenwolf with high eternal stars and constellations. My childhood and my mother showed in a tender transfiguration like a distant glimpse over mountains into the fathomless blue; the litany of my friendships, beginning with the legendary Herman, soul-brother of Hermine, rang out as clear as trumpets; the images of many women floated by me with an unearthly fragrance like moist sea flowers on the surface of the water, women whom I had loved, desired and sung, whose love I had seldom won and seldom striven to win. My wife, too, appeared. I had lived with her many years and she had taught me comradeship, strife and resignation. In spite of all the shortcomings of our life, my confidence in her remained untouched up to the very day when she broke out against me and deserted me without warning, sick as I was in mind and body. And now, as I looked back, I saw how deep my love and trust must have been for her betrayal to have inflicted so deep and lifelong a wound.

These pictures—there were hundreds of them, with names and without—all came back. They rose fresh and new out of this night of love, and I knew again, what in my wretchedness I had forgotten, that they were my life’s possession and all its worth. Indestructible and abiding as the stars, these experiences, though forgotten, could never be erased. Their series was the story of my life, their starry light the undying value of my being. My life had become weariness. It had wandered in a maze of unhappiness that led to renunciation and nothingness; it was bitter with the salt of all human things; yet it had laid up riches, riches to be proud of. It had been for all its wretchedness a princely life. Let the little way to death be as it might, the kernel of this life of mine was noble. It had purpose and character and turned not on trifles, but on the stars.

Sex led to valuing large parts of life itself that Haller had previously dismissed:

She had no need of these circuitous substitutes. Her problems all sprang directly from the senses. All her art and the whole task she set herself lay in extracting the utmost delight from the senses she had been endowed with, and from her particular figure, her color, her hair, her voice, her skin, her temperament; and in employing every faculty, every curve and line and every softest modeling of her body to find responsive perceptions in her lovers and to conjure up in them an answering quickness of delight. The first shy dance I had had with her had already told me this much. I had caught the scent and the charm of a brilliant and carefully cultivated sensibility and had been enchanted by it. Certainly, too, it was no accident that Hermine, the all-knowing, introduced me to this Maria. She had the scent and the very significance of summer and of roses.

In these matters, about which up to that time I was as little learned as in any language of the Eskimos, I learned a great deal from Maria. Before all else I learned that these playthings were not mere idle trifles invented by manufacturers and dealers for the purposes of gain. They were, on the contrary, a little or, rather, a big world, authoritative and beautiful, many sided, containing a multiplicity of things all of which had the one and only aim of serving love, refining the senses, giving life to the dead world around us, endowing it in a magical way with new instruments of love, from powder and scent to the dancing show, from ring to cigarette case, from waist-buckle to handbag. This bag was no bag, this purse no purse, flowers no flowers, the fan no fan. All were the plastic material of love, of magic and delight. Each was a messenger, a smuggler, a weapon, a battle cry.

In the mad theater Haller got to redo all his missed and regretted encounters with women and do “what his blood bade him do”:

She came, that day, alone and dreamingly up the hill towards me. She had not seen me and the sight of her approaching filled me with apprehension and suspense. I saw her hair, tied in two thick plaits, with loose strands on either side, her cheeks blown by the wind. I saw for the first time in my life how beautiful she was, and how beautiful and dreamlike the play of the wind in her delicate hair, how beautiful and provocative the fall of her thin blue dress over her young limbs; and just as the bitter spice of the chewed bud coursed through me with the whole dread pleasure and pain of spring, so the sight of the girl filled me with the whole deadly foreboding of love, the foreboding of woman. In that moment was contained the shock and the forewarning of enormous possibilities and promises, nameless delight, unthinkable bewilderments, anguish, suffering, release to the innermost and deepest guilt. Oh, how sharp was the bitter taste of spring on my tongue! And how the wind streamed playfully through the loose hair beside her rosy cheeks! She was close now. She looked up and recognized me. For a moment she blushed a little and looked aside; but when I took off my school cap, she was self-possessed at once and, raising her head, returned my greeting with a smile that was quite grown-up. Then, entirely mistress of the situation, she went slowly on, in a halo of the thousand wishes, hopes and adorations that I sent after her. And this time instead of standing ceremoniously cap in hand till she had gone by, I did, in spite of anguish bordering on obsession, what my blood bade me do. Her brown eyes lit up her strong face, and they showed me that my past life and loves had all been false and perplexed and full of stupid unhappiness from that very moment on a Sunday afternoon when I had let Rosa pass me by. Now, however, the blunder was put right. Everything went differently and everything was good.

Every girl that I had once loved in youth, I loved again, but now I was able to inspire each with love. There was something I could give to each, something each could give to me. Wishes, dreams and possibilities that had once had no other life than my own imagination were lived now in reality. They passed before me like beautiful flowers, Ida and Laura and all whom I had loved for a summer, a month, or a day.

All the girls I had ever loved were mine. Each gave me what she alone had to give and to each I gave what she alone knew how to take. Each had her secret and the bouquet of her soil. Each kissed and laughed in a fashion of her own, and in her own peculiar way was shameful and in her own peculiar way shameless. They came and went. The stream carried them towards me and washed me up to them and away. I was a child in the stream of sex, at play in the midst of all its charm, its danger and surprise. And it astonished me to find how rich my life—the seemingly so poor and loveless life of the Steppenwolf—had been in the opportunities and allurements of love. I had missed them. I had fled before them. I had stumbled on over them. I had made haste to forget them. But here they all were stored up in their hundreds, and not one missing. And now that I saw them I gave myself up to them without defence and sank down into the rosy twilight of their underworld. Even that seduction to which Pablo had once invited me came again, and other, earlier ones which I had not fully grasped at the time, fantastic games for three or four, caught me up in their dance with a smile. Many things happened and many games, best unmentioned, were played.

Even when guided by friends out of his torment, Haller still clings to his stupid dualism

He held the little glass before my eyes (a childish verse came to my mind: “Little glass, little glass in the hand”) and I saw, though indistinctly and cloudily, the reflection of an uneasy self-tormented, inwardly laboring and seething being—myself, Harry Haller. And within him again I saw the Steppenwolf, a shy, beautiful, dazed wolf with frightened eyes that smoldered now with anger, now with sadness. This shape of a wolf coursed through the other in ceaseless movement, as a tributary pours its cloudy turmoil into a river. In bitter strife, each tried to devour the other so that his shape might prevail. How unutterably sad was the look this fluid inchoate figure of the wolf threw from his beautiful shy eyes.

Haller’s spiritual absolutism is finally, rightly, ridiculed and dismissed

Haller is anguished by hearing Mozart (his idol) played in a distorted way through a radio. Mozart himself, in the madhouse dream, mocks him:

All life is so, my child, and we must let it be so; and, if we are not asses, laugh at it. It little becomes people like you to be critics of radio or of life either. Better learn to listen first! Learn what is to be taken seriously and laugh at the rest. Or is it that you have done better yourself, more nobly and fitly and with better taste? Oh, no, Mr. Harry, you have not. You have made a frightful history of disease out of your life, and a misfortune of your gifts. And you have, as I see, found no better use for so pretty, so enchanting a young lady than to stick a knife into her body and destroy her. Was that right, do you think?”

But of course you are ready for everything in the world except what will be required of you. You are ready to stab girls to death. You are ready to be executed with all solemnity. You would be ready, no doubt, to mortify and scourge yourself for centuries together. Wouldn’t you?” “Oh, yes, ready with all my heart,” I cried in my misery. “Of course! When it’s a question of anything stupid and pathetic and devoid of humor or wit, you’re the man, you tragedian. Well, I am not. I don’t care a fig for all your romantics of atonement. You wanted to be executed and to have your head chopped off, you lunatic! For this imbecile ideal you would suffer death ten times over. You are willing to die, you coward, but not to live. The devil, but you shall live! It would serve you right if you were condemned to the severest of penalties.”

“As if there were not enough unhappiness in all you have designed already! However, enough of pathos and death-dealing. It is time to come to your senses. You are to live and to learn to laugh. You are to learn to listen to the cursed radio music of life and to reverence the spirit behind it and to laugh at its distortions. So there you are. More will not be asked of you.”

I understood it all. I understood Pablo. I understood Mozart, and somewhere behind me I heard his ghastly laughter. I knew that all the hundred thousand pieces of life’s game were in my pocket. A glimpse of its meaning had stirred my reason and I was determined to begin the game afresh. I would sample its tortures once more and shudder again at its senselessness. I would traverse not once more, but often, the hell of my inner being.

Learn to laugh    

One day I would be a better hand at the game. One day I would learn how to laugh. Pablo was waiting for me, and Mozart too. 

THE END

About the photo

These little lizards fascinate me. Western fence lizards are common along the Willamette River in dry rocky and sandy areas, including on sidewalks. They creep about in an upright stance pretty boldly. They seem to think they are hidden, even when you photograph them from a couple of feet away.

Another long walk during the pandemic

I took another long walk through Forest Park because what the fuck else am I going to do. The reopening of Multnomah County was delayed at the last minute so pretty much everything remains closed, just as it has been for three months.

It was a rewarding hike. I spent $0.49 total (on a Powerade drink). I noticed connections and correspondences everywhere I looked:

A dead mole (pictured)

The cyclists on the Leif Erikson trail (or perhaps the rampant off-leash dogs) kill these insectivores frequently. It seems like a lesser version of roadkill from cars. It’s one way in which even quiet recreation has an impact on nature.

Women seeking wealthy men and men prizing youth and looks

Near the 5 mile marker a woman was giving confidential advice to what looked like her preteen niece. She was saying, “You want to look for a man who is worldly, who has his own money, who has social status…” and she continued with other synonyms for wealth.

Before I even heard what they were saying (or saw their ages) I was comparing their asses and vulvas, which were on display in bright yoga pants. The young girl had scrawny features and the adult woman was fat and bulging out of them. I was thinking, “It’s nice when there is a middle ground.”

A little while on in an amazing coincidence two older women were talking about how to divide up the money from a divorce settlement. No joke. I was astonished at how I saw two ends of the cycle: the young woman being conditioned to look for wealth and the older ones using the law to coldly walk away with as much as possible.

So, there is nothing new about these two mating strategies.

Suicide patrol

I emerged from Forest Park and marched straight down Raleigh Street to the Broadway Bridge. Right before climbing up the stairs to the bridge I made a comment to a walker about the acrid diesel exhaust coming off an idling train nearby. I then bounded up the stairs to the bridge. I passed a homeless guy with face tattoos and a crazy-looking grin. When I got to the center of the span, I looked up at the elevated “house” where an operator sits and at the crossbars and links of the bridge. I stopped and took a photo of the Fremont Bridge across the way. I was thinking about how I am now a part of the problem of traffic and pollution since my employer moved to a goddamn suburb. I peered over the edge at the water below.

While standing there a boat sped into place a few hundred feet upriver and a crew watched me with binoculars. I suddenly grasped that this was a suicide patrol. They apparently watch the behavior of people crossing the bridge and then get ready when they see signs of a “jumper.”

There are many cameras on the top of the bridge and even on the stairs leading up to it. Someone, perhaps from the fire department, was watching me the whole time and evidently paged the boat crew to get into place. There might even be a live feed on monitors on the boat. I suppose they may have already been in place because of the other guy. I didn’t see what he was up to before I arrived. 

As I walked home contemplating this, I felt a bit spooked. Then I was a little annoyed. What marked me as a potential jumper? Was it being a lone white male? Saying something to a passerby? Stopping for a photo as if to make a bitter final status update?

It was probably nothing. Suicide is one of those things that can affect anyone. It’s also done impulsively. As I walked I realized this is the exact concept of many horror movies: “Any one of us could turn at any moment.” It’s also a scary aspect of the current pandemic in that asymptomatic infected people may be responsible for a significant share of transmissions.

Five things I dig lately

These two video shorts on the theme of EVOLUTION

Aedan-Evolution

The lasting influence of Carl Sagan’s Cosmos series is explicit. They even used voiceover from one of the episodes. I was blown away.

Organa

This short features art from an independent artist. It also echoes the morphing evolutionary sketches from this episode of the original Cosmos.

Rachmaninoff’s Elegiac Trio

The Columbia Slough Trail and the Willamette River

In the past 48 hours I observed:

  • A purple martin house and its occupants. The Wikipedia page is full of astonishing facts about them and their “synanthropic” status.
  • A Cooper’s hawk or sharp-shinned hawk that had taken a swallow in its talons and was flying off to a wooded place to eat it. Other swallows were swooping at it and calling as if to harass it but they just sounded plaintive and sad (they can’t squawk or caw like other birds).
  • A bald eagle that hangs out in the same cottonwood tree a lot. I have not found its nest yet.
  • A red-tailed hawk flying by and scattering all the birds in the waters of the slough. I often forget how large this buteo is.
  • A male belted kingfisher. They are easy to distinguish by sex because the males lack the chestnut breast band.
  • Cinnamon teal, a richly colored brown duck

My visit to Seattle

I took a calculated risk (I had six days off, so I had to do something). Seattle is a beautiful city. I visited Discovery Park (a large natural area with woods and coastline), hit up the abundant trails along the water, biked through the empty downtown, ate a chicken tandoori and naan, the first espresso from a shop that had reopened, Fort Lawton Military Cemetery, and checked out other natural areas.

I came across an interesting sign in Discovery Park that put driving into its place. It explained that people with disabilities, the elderly, children under six and pregnant women can apply for a limited number of permits to drive to the beach. All others can walk or bike there. This makes it a more pleasant, natural area instead of just another road and parking lot. Since the main roads and parking lots were also closed due to virus precautions, it made Discovery Park a very pleasant place to visit (even in the rain).

I saw terns and murrelets, and sea lions barking from atop a buoy. I saw a crow fly up and drop a clam from a height in order to break its shell.

My wonderful rats Salt and Pepper

They are bonding with me and becoming more calm and photogenic. They finally have a scratch post to help with the claw marks they leave on my neck, shoulders and chest.

The Columbia Slough Trail

I once viewed this trail as a sad, short, decaying path along a polluted ditch. But after several bikes, walks and runs along it, I now see its potential as a rare nature trail in North Portland.

The path consists of broken asphalt, gravel and dirt. The air frequently reeks of nearby industrial operations and exhaust from cars and trucks. Sparse homeless people camp in muddy, trash-strewn squalor. Finding the trail at all is difficult. 

But it has so much potential. I watched herons and swallows and hawks. I saw California ground squirrels (they charge across the grass with tails pointed straight up, unlike tree squirrels, that bound and hop). I looked around and thought about how this could be a corridor for people and wildlife. It could be a vibrant, healthy waterway.

I walked the trail with this more positive mindset and encountered an incredible piece of art on a drainage pipe that stunned me when I finally noticed it. I wish I could talk to the artist and see how long it took to create. I’d like to see previous iterations and know if this ensemble (raven, moon, bear and elk) is a theme for them. I would also like to know what the symbol at the bottom means.

This page from the Trailkeepers of Oregon goes into much greater detail about the trail.